Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Duplicity. (The sleeping giant)

It's wild to me how sure I was that sugar would never even be tempting again. I could look at myself right in the eyes and say with total confidence that I was in full control.

This week, I learned that is not in fact the case. There is this entirely duplicitous alter ego in my mind just waiting to come out of hiding. This inner self-saboteur lurking just below the surface... always optimistic that an opportunity will come around again. Like a sleeping giant, it awakens and takes over. It becomes so big that it blocks out the sun and I forget what it was like to feel the warm glow on my face. I somehow forget what I'm capable of... even though I was totally capable of it just days before. So strange. So cruel.

I guess it's addiction.

In my naiveté, I have often asked myself why an alcoholic can't just have a glass of wine now and then. Like why does it have to be all drama and extremes?

Never having dealt with an addiction of my own, I truly just couldn't relate. I am a huge believer in mind-over-matter and have found it hard to imagine encountering a substance that I couldn't walk away from if I put my mind to it.

Well, guess what y'all.

I. Was. Wrong.

So, last week I thought to myself, I just had an awesome barre3 class in studio followed by a green smoothie for lunch. I can totally have one piece of Halloween candy, right? I mean, what's the big deal?

In hind sight I realize it had been months since I'd eaten refined sugar. Now I can say with no doubt that it's a trigger for me. A gateway drug of sorts. The minute I have sugar, I henceforth crave sugar. It's a doozy of a craving too. All consuming. So, later that day I thought, well, one more won't hurt. The next day, I had a piece after breakfast... lunch... dinner. It escalated pretty quickly. This morning when I woke up feeling horrible and wanting sugar and coffee, I knew. I can't just casually occasionally have sugar. It's gonna have to be all drama and extremes.

It makes me feel horrible, throws my blood sugar off, gives me peaks and crashes, messes with my moods, messes with my sleep, messes with my skin... and leads to more sugar cravings... which leads to more carb cravings... which leads to caffeine cravings.

It's wild.

I'm SOOOOOO done.

So, back to the backup plan of the original 28-to-Great round. I've got a bit of dark chocolate and some barre3 "barres" on hand to get me through my sugar cravings over the next couple of days.

Is there a 12-step program for candy?

Seriously. No sugar.

It's funny, when I had my food intolerance testing done, I FAILED refined sugar all the way. Just as badly as I failed gluten. I'm not sure why I decided that the sugar thing was optional while adhering to the gluten rules knowing that my life quite literally depended on it.

Duplicity. It's a thing.

I'm over it.


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